Xerxes was a pretty basic galactic watering hole, what would be a roadhouse on Earth or a tang portal in Andromeda. Traj hated the old joke "what's a space travelers' favorite spot on a keyboard? The space bar, of course." He had heard it 20 times a cycle, but still smiled and chuckled. It made for better tips.
A new patron walked in and looked around. He made eye contact with Traj who motioned him over. "What's your pleasure, Bud?" Traj called everyone 'Bud'. It made life easier, and the universal translator didn't hurt either.
"You have Earth beer? Need something cold and wet. Been a long flight. I'm Ian." He sat at the bar and looked around the room. Not much to see, a few tables, maybe six others in the bar. Ian recognized most. A couple Alphans, a blue Deakin from Spork. The blob in the dark corner he almost overlooked. "What's the story over there?" Ian asked Traj.
Traj set the beer in front of Ian and scanned his card. "They are a Tatooine, from Kepler-47, the double star system in the far quadrant. First I've met. Just drinks water, so I'm not making any money there."
"Interesting. I always like to broaden my horizons. Know anything about them? They binary or androgynous? I assume the tranny works." Ian looked over and raised his glass in case the blob was watching.
Traj shrugged. "Not sure about the sex. But the translator works fine. We don't say 'tranny' in here. Seen a couple of fights caused by a mis-translation of words like that."
Ian picked up his beer and headed over to the corner. He slid a titanium skrruk to Traj. "Here's a tip. If I put my beer in my left hand, I just got a summons. Got me?"
"Got ya. Traj will be your wingman. Left hand, beer, you are needed." He went back to arranging glasses and readying inventories for the evening rush. He looked around the room, the Deakin needed another drink. The rest were fine. Ian and the Tatooine seemed fine, the beer was on the table, so no hands meant nothing. Traj went back to cutting garnishes for the fruity drinks the Centaurians liked. A cruise vessel was due in and they could put them down.
A short while later Ian came back to the bar and leaned in to Traj. "You aren't going to believe this shit. First off the Tat has no sex. They replicate. Asexual. And the translator works great. Funny creature, dry humor. But get this. They get buzzed by ingesting protein. Know what that means? A cum shot and he's drunk!" Ian was practically over the bar talking into Trans' good ear.
"That's great, Bud. But what's that got to do with me? I'm running a bar and you're fixing to give the Tat some free drinks?" Traj was not as impressed as Ian. "I'm just not seeing what is in it for me and the bar here. You want to fuck the Tat or whatever it is you would do to give him a shot, I got a back room you can use. Just clean it up." He went back to polishing the bar.
Ian leaned back a bit, but continued. "I wasn't quite done. The thing for you is that when it pisses, it pisses pure fucking alcohol. You got some extra bottles here? I'll take a couple in to the back and see what happens. You get free booze, the Tat gets drunk, I get my rocks off. Maybe we charge a few of these fellas here to have a go with it. That blue fucker looks like he could get laid. What do you say now, Traj old buddy?"
Traj looked up and wrung the bar rag in his hands while thinking it over. An exotic liquor could sell for a lot of skrruk. That would be off the inventory. If the shit tasted good, it would be a helluva deal. He looked under the counter and came up with a few empty bottles and a couple more that could be rinsed out. "I don't know how many you need, but here's a few to start. Here's a beer and a glass of water for the Tat. Go use the back room. If this works out, we'll figure out terms later."
Ian guided the Tatooine to the back room. The blob-like form half glided, half rolled along. but kept up with Ian. Once in the room, Ian put the drinks on the table and held up the bottles. "So here's the deal. I'm game to give you a shot or two and if you need to piss, fill up a bottle. That work for you? How you want to do this? I'll be honest, I haven't figured out where or if you have a mouth, let alone any other, um, openings. You know how we humans work?"
Ian heard the reply in his head. It wasn't really the translator, but more that the Tatooine was connecting directly to him in a manner of telepathy. In a way, the 'voice' in his head sounded much like his own. He wondered if that could change. "Yes, I know how you 'operate' as you said. You have an appendage, a penis. Given sufficient stimulation, it will produce a protein rich result which is my drink of choice. As far as openings, I don't really have any that you would consider typical openings, but rather I can morph around you. I am sure you will enjoy the result. And as for your last thought of how I sound, what would you prefer?" The Tat moved closer to the water and a small pink appendage like a large straw emerged and went into the glass. The level went down as it obviously drank some of the liquid. "You might enjoy this sound more?" The voice in Ian's head became sultry and much more feminine.
"Yes, much better. It just helps with the 'mood'. You ready to give this a try? How much does it take to get you drunk, anyway?" Ian had been on the space flight for quite a while and the prospect of any sex with something other than his hand sounded pretty good.
"Just present me with your penis and I can take it from there. And as far as getting me drunk, a typical load of human semen affects me for several hours. Never did more than one at a time. I imagine I could handle two or three in one session."
Ian stood and took a couple of steps toward the Tat and undid his belt and then his pants. They dropped to the floor and he slid his underwear down. They were facing away from the door so if anyone came in they would get a good shot of of his lily white ass. "Okay, there it is, do your thing. And Cheers!" Ian raised his glass and took a long drink of the amber liquid. He watched the grayish mass of the Tatooine shift toward him and felt it touch his skin. It wasn't unpleasant. The flesh was neither hot nor cold, but a pleasant temperature and the flesh was not rough or slimy. Not a bad sensation at all. He was flaccid, but felt a stirring as the Tat closed around his cock and balls. He felt his entire cock surrounded by the flesh and it was more of a caress than anything. The pressure was equal on all parts of him and he felt himself growing as a slow pulsing rhythm became apparent.
A voice came into his head, a pleasant, somewhat husky female voice. "I have never held a human penis before, although I have seen some of your pictures. Porno I believe you call it. I will try to replicate some of that and I look forward to your finish. I believe you call it cumming? Let me know if I become too energetic. Do you like conversation while I excite you or do you prefer quiet? Sorry for so many questions."
The rhythm increased and Ian became harder. He did like the voice. He could close his eyes and imagine another form before him working on his growing cock. "Yes, you are doing just fine. And we can talk some while you service me. Feeling quite good, actually. What should I call you? I'm called Ian, by the way." Interestingly enough, Ian was getting the hang of talking within his thoughts. He still managed a few grunts as he moved with the Tat attached to his dick. The feeling of being totally engulfed was very stimulating. It had been quite a while since he had cum, so he wasn't going to take long. "Oh that is good. Keep that rhythm like that." Ian closed his eyes and laid his head back and let all his feelings center around what was happening to his cock.
"This is good. I hope I excite you, Ian. To your ears, my name is probably unpronounceable. I can go by any name you like. I detected a name in your thoughts, would you like to call me 'Mary'? I sense that name has meaning for you. Let me keep rubbing you. It is intriguing how you grow in size as you become excited. And your pulsing increases as I increase my stimulation. Is there any other area you wish to have touched?"
The sensation became like rolling pressure all along his cock. Ian was fully aroused and quite hard. Mary. He hadn't thought of Mary in yarren - years. A girlfriend, his first from his first school. He imagined their first time having sex, her milky skin against him. Awkward fumbling with clothes, the intense feeling of sliding into another person, his cock gliding into Mary's tight, wet, hot slit.
The memory coupled with the pressure and friction brought Ian close to climax. Out loud he commented "oh yeah, almost there. Keep rubbing and you'll get your drink. Just. Like. That."
Ian stiffened as he felt himself begin to cum. He looked down and saw the gray blob of the Tatooine move back but his cock was covered by a pink appendage like the one he had seen dip into the water glass. It enveloped him as he began the spasm. His hard cock was obvious inside the thin membrane that fit him like a living condom. The spasms continued and he squirted his hot white fluid into the sheath.
Ian's knees began to buckle as he finished. The pink covering slowly withdrew leaving Ian weaving slightly and not a drop spilled. "Damn. That was amazing from my side. Hope you get a buzz. How did you pick up on Mary? I haven't thought of her in...a long time." There was a wistful tone to his voice, and Ian used his actual voice to talk to the Tat. He hoped no one was listening. "Ah hell, fuck 'em if they think I'm talking to myself." he added as he pulled up his pants. "Now, about the other part of this deal. You have to go yet?"
The Tatooine answered "Why yes. I could stand to void my bladder. How many bottles do you have? And yes, I do have - what do you call it? A 'buzz'? Whatever that is, I am feeling fine. About Mary. Her name came through in one of your thoughts as you were becoming excited. You seemed very fond of her."
Ian paused. He hadn't spoken to Mary in a long time, let alone thought of her. Perhaps the next time he was near Earth he would see if he could contact her. Or perhaps not. "Thanks. I have two bottles here, that enough? You aren't much bigger than I am, and I doubt that I can fill one."
A pink probe emerged from the gray mass again. "I may need more, but we can do the two for now. The capacity is different for us, and the need to expel the fluid is not as urgent as I understand it is for you humans. So two bottles it is." The pink shaft emitted a slightly green liquid into first one bottle than the other.
Ian capped them and held them up. "Can I get you anything? I am going to go show these to Traj, our host. See what we might be able to do with these. You good here, or should I meet you at the table?"
"I'm fine here. In fact, I may tune out for a few moments. It has been a long journey to get here. Let me know what your ideas are when you return, Ian." The gray blob moved to the back wall and seemed to ooze into the corner. Some things must be universal.
"I haven't used this in a while, we used to have to check each shipment for content. It is kind of like the old hydrometer they used to use to determine the proof of rum and other beverages. Kept the old sailors and shippers from watering it down. But this can also pick up other elements as well. Let's run a sample through." Traj put a small sample of the greenish liquid into the top bowl of the silver cased flask, and pressed a few panels on the control area. "Should only take a few moments. Which is good. I expect this place to liven up in about two hours when the craft docks. This whole thing reminds me of an old joke. Want to hear it while we wait?"
Ian watch the bartender work. He thought to himself, 'A bartender with an old joke. Now that is something new.', but said "Sure, let's hear it."
Traj did not need to be asked twice. "This guy goes into a bar...great opening, right? He sits down and says 'A glass of 20 year old scotch.' and taps the bar. Well, the barkeep has seen this before, people acting all high on knowing what is best, so he pulls out the 8 year old bar scotch, pours it and sets it in front of the fellow."
Traj continued. "The gent looks at it, holds it up and smells it. Downs it and proclaims 'My good man, you are mistaken, this was 8 year old scotch and I specifically asked for 20 year old. Bring it correctly this time.' So the bartender thinks to himself 'Hmmm. This guy is good. Let's see how good' and pours him a glass of 12 year old scotch."
"Did he make him pay twice" Ian interrupted.
"Hardly. So the fellow goes through the same routine of looking and sniffing and downs it. 'Ah, better, But still not right. Do bring me what I ordered or I shall have to make a complaint.' The bartender knew when he had been bested. He poured him a glass of 20 year old scotch and served it to the gentleman. Again the fellow went through his routine of checking color and aroma before downing it. 'Yes, that is it. Why you didn't serve me that first, I do not know. That is the 20 year old scotch I requested.' Now, this old drunk has been watching this from down at the end of the bar. So he comes down and slides a glass in front of the fellow and waits. The gentleman looks at the old drunk, cocks his head and then lifts the glass, studying the color of the drink and then sniffs it to guage the smell before tasting it. He throws it back and immediately spits it out exclaiming 'THIS TASTES LIKE PISS!" The old drunk just sits there and asks 'Yeah, but how old am I?'. Get it, he wants the guys to guess his age!"
Ian got it. He did kind of like the story, but also wondered if the bartender shouldn't go back to just listening. "So, is the test finished?"
"Been done long ago. But that story is similar, don't you see? Tat piss as liquor? Wonder how old he is. Maybe we can guess." Traj chuckled at his own joke. "Well, if you can believe this thing, we have 85% alcohol - that's 170 proof. I wouldn't have any candles or open flames near that guy when he pisses."
"Damn. That is heavy duty stuff. Wonder if it is any good." Ian was starting to get interested.
Traj checked the screen on the testing unit. "Well, there is more. This shows a low level of a substance Thujone. Let me look that up." Traj turned to his handheld and scrolled through the communicator. "Thought it sounded a little familiar. That is a mild convulsant and hallucinogen. Essentially, this Tat is pissing Absynthe. That old Earth liquor. Son of a bitch."
"Yeah, but is it any good? Is it safe to drink?" This really had Ian's attention. First he got his horns clipped, now he could see a real bender coming on. And both for free, just by befriending another life form.
"One way to find out. The test indicates it is clear of toxins, well, other than ethanol and thujone that will kill you in high doses. Or low doses over long periods. I'm going to suggest you try it since I am about to get slammed." Traj was also interested, but for another reason. Fifteen drinks out of a bottle, off the books could add up to a tidy sum. Especially when the cost was free. He poured a healthy amount into a glass and held it out to Iam. "Here you go Buddy. Let me know what you think."
Imitating the fellow in the story, Ian held the glass to the light, a nice greenish hue. He smelled the liquid, a fresh scent and a hint of licorice. He took a sip. "Damn. That burns, but it is good. Got some ice? Maybe a bit of sugar?" He took another small sip. "Yeah, that would do it. Pretty good stuff."
Traj headed back to the bar. "Tell you what. Come out and grab what you need and you have the room for the night. I gotta take care of the business out here." The two men left the room and Ian returned in a few minutes with a bucket of crushed ice, a bottle of simple syrup and a smile.
A few hours later, Traj entered the back room to see how his new friends were doing. Both were knocked out, the Tat was in his corner, Ian bent down on the table. Traj just turned the light off, closed the door and muttered "This could be the start of a good arrangement. Sleep well, buddies."
Authors' note: I figure some of you may recognize Tatooine from the Star Wars franchise. I knew it sounded familiar, but until I saw the episode of NCIS recently, I had forgotten that it was in Star Wars. Hope you enjoy the story! Geek on!